It has become very clear to me that I have hidden behind that little apostrophe mark for too long. It is such a safe word as it makes me sound like a nice person but it keeps me from having to commit. I’ll try, I’ll see, and I’ll think about it are examples of how I made excuses to mask the fear and anxiety I have of so many things. It is becoming clear to me lately that I used my Mother as my security blanket. Having her to care for in a way was a solution for me to stay in the safe I'll do it one day life.
I lived my life feeling like a square constantly trying to fit into a circle. I would watch and admire others but just
could not get the courage to say I WILL. Most people thought I was hard on myself, or not confident, or just plain afraid.
Afterall I was so funny and outgoing…who ever would have thought I was extremely anxious? Yes, I have had anxiety since I was a child. Sadly it was not something understood years ago and it was easier emotionally for my parents to protect me versus forcing me out into the world. I heard a lot of Donna can't do that and when she was scared it was ok for her to not have to go. I so understand they were trying to protect me as noone likes to see their children hurting.
Hiding behind the apostrophe and being allowed to avoid was my normal but was making me sad as I wanted to venture and try. Staying safe in I’ll was actually making me ILL. It is remarkable how moving that apostrophe can change that little word and having the WiLL to add just one letter can change the meaning completely. I knew it was time to say goodbye to the past and do my best to work on the anxious feelings. Anyone that suffers anxiety knows it is a silent paralyzing pain that most don’t know you have or even can understand.
With a racing heart but a smile on my face I attended the party for which I was trying to avoid out of fear of not fitting in. I had the most wonderful afternoon and was wrong in my assumption I would not know anyone and actually reconnected with people I have not seen in a very long time and I also met some wonderful new people. It was a beautiful day and again I would have lost out on a great memory had I listened to my fear and remained in the I’ll mindset. I am blessed my friend pushed me to say yes. Sometimes you must know you cannot do everything alone and you need help.
I continue at times to hide behind the apostraphes of my life. I have a long way to go and lots of fights with anxiety to get through for sure. I have a list of things I want to try to do and some of them I WiLL do soon and some may take a little more work. Im still fighting to fit into the circle more comfortably but I am no longer as afraid of venturing out as I once was.
I share my story of the anxiety and insecurities I have to inspire others. I believe each of us has fears that hold us back.
At times we all need a cheerleader to remind us we can do it. Perhaps one person will relate to this post and know they are not alone and I can be their cheerleader as my friend was and remains mine.
I am blessed to have many strong people in my life who have gone through things that I could not even imagine. I watch them with deep admiration as they stand up and say I will every single day. When I feel scared of trying something or going somewhere out of my comfort zone I think of them and their courage and I know what I am going through is nothing compared to their journey.
Each day that passes and I write about in my journal will be history of my story to be left behind. Reading back on some of the pages of my life I had a lot of I’ll try days and it makes me sad that I was so afraid to peak around the apostrophe mark and fear
was keeping me ill. I am facing it and attempting things I never imagined possible. I still get anxiety but I try hard not to let it overcome me and talk it out with people who care and if I need help stepping into a moment of fear I ask for help but I go!!!!
I am 50 something and I truly want these to be the best days of my life and each day I will make the effort to not let fear and anxiety control me. I am throwing away the apostrophe mark because the journey of trying to say I WILL to new things and learning feels GREAT and while at times scarey more exciting!!!
I thank my very special cheerleader who I feel got me through a major breakthrough and I applaud the many wonderful strong women in my life who I watch and admire and I am thankful for each day….together lets stand up and cheer I WILL!!!!