My mother lived with us for four years and even prior to that I spoke to her just about every single day of my life. She passed away on February 23rd and I must discipline my mind and not be sad that I will never hear the voice again.
I always thought I was a disciplined person. I tried to eat healthy and workout. I had my physical last week and it turns out I was not working as hard as I thought. My cholesterol is 254, my sugar is 104 and my vitamin D levels which were bad last year are even worse now. I begged for medicine but the reply was" come back in three months" but in the meantime be disciplined. You can do this through lifestyle changes. Should it be necessary for medication then it will be prescribed but I admire the fact she wants me to first try my best on these lifestyle changes before beginning.
I have a lot of lifestyle changes to deal with right now that is for sure.
Lately I know I have been sabotaging myself with question that begin with words such as why or how?
I have to discipline myself to let go of the past, not be afraid of what my future will be, and to work on just the present moment.
I have to discipline my brain to feel joy and when the pain does pay me a visit to train myself to remember the good things.
I have to discipline my brain that every moment I waste sad is just that, a moment wasted that I cannot get back.
I have to discipline my brain that I dont have to win every argument or game but to keep talking and playing fair.
I have to discipline my brain that I can do this!!
There is a saying, in order to become rich, you must stop the bad habits that made you poor!! That line can cover a whole lot of ground when thinking of lifestyle changes. I must begin the journey of thinking differently.
Im thinking perhaps I dont have to be as disciplined as Im trying to be in regard to missing my moms voice. I know in my heart she is telling me I can do this. I believe she is telling me it was her time to leave me so that I can find my next journey. I believe she is telling me its now my time. I know she is telling me during this painful time to remember I am loved.
So today I begin disciplining myself and listening to my mother. I have had a wonderful life these past 52 years and yes, I am a little scared of what my next chapter will be however I know every bend in the road has the opportunity to surprise me.
I began walking and working out again this week. On went my pedometer. I bought healthy foods including flaxseed and oatmeal and I am going to do exactly what my doctor recommends. I am going to be disciplined and try my best to get myself healthy.
I wasnt going to write or talk anymore. This past month I could not find interesting words to say. My doctor reminded me that I have a lot to say. I dedicated my life to be a good daughter and I accomplished that while still being a wonderful wife, mother, sister, aunt and friend. She encouraged me to share my talents and new journey with all of those who appreciate me.
I am disciplining myself to remember that the only real gift is a portion of thyself. We are 50 something and these truly are the best days of our lives. I share a part of myself with you in the hope of encouraging others to always be the best they can be despite how the cards in your hand were shuffled.
I love you Mom. Thank you for raising this kind, disciplined, girl. Through your love I know I have the strength to face this my new chapter and I will always hear your voice as it lives on in my own heart.
Im 50 something and these truly are the best days of my life!