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The Caged Bird

3/23/2020

Good morning world! It is 5:08 AM and I am sitting in my quiet bedroom where I have been awake for two hours. I do not know why my body wakes so early as once I drank my coffee and my inspirational read is done I feel like a caged bird. I am awake and ready to go and start my day but the world around me stopped and suddenly there is no place to fly.

The carona virus has taken away our freedom to get out and do all the things that we have taken for granted.    You have no idea how I miss our community gym and the days I came home dripping with sweat as I finished four miles on the treadmill.    I sometimes hated the thought of going but now so wish I could.

I must forget myself for just a moment and instead think of all the businesses that must close. All the people that are out of work right now. Graduation ceremonies are not going to happen. Celebrations are postponed; some are even cancelled.    We cannot even attend mass and this is the holiest time of the year for Christians.    In the blink of an eye life as we knew it stopped. In the blink of an eye in the quiet of my room I actually feel scared. Not of the virus but how suddenly life can change.

The news reminds me that I am 60 and this begins the start of the high risk senior warnings. Hearing the high risk status starts at my age made me mad to hear at first but honestly it is not anger but denial. I may be young at heart but I am 60! Suddenly life seems to be going faster and faster and the years are starting to feel shorter.

I am trying not to cry but my Mom's face came to my mind as I suddenly understand how she must have felt when she moved in with us. She had a strong mind but could no longer fly where she wanted on her own.    After years of soaring through the sky her wings suddenly weakened and in the blink of an eye she became a caged bird.

This social isolation we are all in right now can encourage poor lifestyle choices if I let it. When Mom was a caged bird I insisted she get dressed every morning. I made sure she walked around the apartment and on nice days I took her outside. I made sure she ate well balanced meals. And most importantly I made sure she saw her friends and if she couldn't I handed her the phone to call them.    We watched game shows together to keep our minds sharp and worked on our crochet patterns together. We sang to Lawrence Welk every Saturday night with bowls of ice cream. I did not let her feel sad although I know she was. I made her laugh which was what I love to do. I encouraged her to embrace the season and reminded her that she still had me. I have found myself crying a lot this week and I honestly do not know why. I now know I must stop for being sad is never the answer although sometimes it is OK to admit how hard it is.

There are lessons in everything my friends that we right now may never understand.    We are all in this together and I know one day we will be back to normal so please try hard to use the ideas of how I helped my mom when she became a caged bird get you through this difficult time.    The worse thing would be to survive the virus but find ourselves sick from the worry and isolation the stress caused us.

I know my personality and despite being a high risk and sad today I will be smiling again tomorrow. That being said I always want to remember the sadness I feel today. I do not want to ever take for granted again the things I miss today when they return.    Once I am able to fly out of the cage i will feel like I was given a second chance to live but I know I will be even more grateful.

In my quiet room I close my eyes and in my mind see myself standing looking out of the cage door my mom once sat in. She always said "you cant make plans" and I now understand it.    We could never in a million years have planned this one Mom.

Today the world gets a temporary glimpse of how it feels to one day become a caged bird.

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Sharing Space

1/6/2020

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Today I sit in my eerily quiet living room as Kevin went to the office and I realize this is the first time since 1987 that we have not shared our space with anyone.

On December 13 we sadly had to put the pet we shared space with for 14 years down. Our beautiful Princess woke each morning barking her demands at us despite the weight of huge tumors on her leg.    She was a trooper who went through surgeries and illnesses and at times we thought she had nine lives as she always bounced back. In November she developed congestive heart failure and once again was a trooper until the day she fainted. In the typical Princess fashion she bounced back from the spells but while she was out it was very upsetting to watch. To be honest, Princess was giving us signs she did not want to share space with us anymore as she would go into our bathroom and lay on the rug to be alone.    She entered a room she had never gone into before in attempt to tell us it was time to go.

Life goes full circle as suddenly Kevin and I return to where we started August 23, 1980. We had no idea those many years ago what the future would be and who we would share our space with but we were young and enjoyed our time together for seven years.

In 1987 we learned we were going to happily share our space with our son Sean and it was the best chapters of our story. It was not long after he was grown and gone in 2006 we opened the door to my Aunt Hilda. We had no idea when we decided to share space that she was going to be diagnosed with leukemia shortly after arriving with us. That is when we invited Princess to share space with us. We heard pets were comfort for those who are ill and Aunt Hilda loved dogs. Sadly, three weeks after Princess arrived Aunt Hilda passed away and the sweet dog was officially ours.

In 2007 we shared space with my Mom who lived with us for 5 years after having a heart attack at the age of 83. Princess welcomed her and Mom, who by the way claimed she never liked pets, loved her and they both enjoyed afternoon naps in the recliner chair. In 2012 Mom passed away and it was then just myself, Kevin and Princess.

Princess is now also gone!

Many people suggested we get another dog and I am sure if I said YES Kevin would jump on it tomorrow but I am not saying YES.    I am getting older and time is becoming precious. I personally cannot imagine going through the pain of losing a pet at the age of 75. The longer we live the more goodbyes there are to say. Things get a bit harder as we grow older and who knows how long Kevin and I will have together to share space. I feel we did what we needed and while it feels strange it is time for us to once again pick up and go and live life as we did when we started.

I will say that out of all I have shared space with Princess taught me the importance of unconditional love. She was forgiving of mistakes, cherished hugs, loved hearing her name when someone called to say hello, was grateful for food and a warm bed. She didn't have a job, money, or any stuff but had people she loved sharing space with her. At the end all we really cherish are the people we love and we made sure she knew how adored she was as we gave her hugs, kisses and kind words of love the day we said goodbye.

Cooking dinner tonight felt so strange as there was no one for me to say "go by the door and wait for daddy". Oh how she loved hearing the key in the lock. Tonight hearing that key had a whole new meaning for me.    Life gets hectic and through the years I don't know if I fully realized how grateful I am to have someone come into the door. It took me spending hours in the eerily quiet to fully grasp how grateful I am Kevin is home.

Kevin and I experienced a lot in almost 40 years of marriage. We are back to where we started sharing space just us two once again. Just like all those years ago we had no idea what the future would be and we still don't. All I know for sure is I have been blessed to have the life I see spinning by me on the digital picture frame on a shelf in this quiet room. While there were sad times there were many beautiful moments as well.    I pray our shared space together will continue for a long time but we are only guaranteed today and it took the eerily quiet living room for me to realize that.

Princess taught us little things are the most important and we will forever be humbly grateful she was here to share space with us.

To quote good old Dr. Seuss, "Don't Cry Because it is Over, Smile because it happened"

Rest sweet girl. You will be forever missed and always remember you will have a shared space in mine and daddy's hearts until the day we meet again.

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Clutter Buster

11/26/2019

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It was a cold and damp day and as I was getting ready to participate in a local 5K being held in our town and I knew the conditions were going to have me struggling.    I had it in my head that I was not going to do well and I nearly did not. If it was not for my sister nudging me to grab her hand I probably would have quit.

I had done races before and loved them but that day because the conditions changed I wanted to quit. I heard myself saying this is not fair!!!!

So much good has come into my life and most days I remember. But suddenly a raindrop falls on my face and it makes me want to fall to my knees. The day of the race I tried to convince myself how it stinks to have to create a new normal.
Now that the race is over and I cleared the clutter out of my mind I realize that by this beautiful age of 60 I have experienced many new normal times.    I think back on some of them and it always felt like it was horrible for a little while.    It was always easier to hold onto the clutter rather than clear it away and start new.

I see many people holding on to so much stuff from yesterday The kids grow up and we can't get rid of their school artwork and toys. Our parents die and we feel guilt over giving their things away. Cards, notes, letters, clothes that no longer fit!    Sometimes we hold onto it all thinking it will bring the old days back. It is hard to let go sometimes. It is easier to fall down on our knees and hope things will return to the normal we loved.    Changing the course of life is painful.

What I love about running a 5K is you are aware you are in pain but the adrenaline of the crowd cheering you on is so exciting. It sure is easier to do on a sunny day but was much harder that day as I dragged the "it stinks" clutter with me. The cars, adrenaline and people cheering were there that day as well and I almost allowed myself to quit and not experience the thrill of the finish line.

I think the holiday time is when we drag out our unreconciled feelings suitcase more than ever.    The most wonderful time of the year can be very painful for many people.    The days can sometimes feel cold, damp and a struggle to get through.

The experience of the race reminded me not to let the past year cloud me from enjoying the journey.    Yes once again it is a very painful new normal. At the same time there is a crowd cheering us on and love and laughter is all around.    Just like the race it is OK to feel pain but I do not want to make the same mistake of letting the clouds make me want to go home.    I instead choose to hold hands before this new normal event starts and look up at the clouds and know there is sun up there. I must choose to see it.

I almost quit the great joy of the race that day and I thank my sister for grabbing my hand!

If you are experiencing a new normal year please try not to let clutter steal your joy. Try your hardest to enjoy the moment for it too will one day be a memory. The older we get the more new normal creations we will have to make. Here is my hand, grab it! I cheer for you!!!!!!

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for reading my words and cheering me on as well. From my family to yours I wish you all a Thanksgiving filled with JOY!

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Procrastination Intervention

8/1/2019

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I am not sure what is more exhausting, a task never started or one that I begin but never complete. I was the hugest procrastinator.    I cannot tell you the list of projects and tasks that I have constantly put off.

My main problem is I love to do SO many things! I love cooking, reading, getting in touch with friends and chatting, letter writing, working out, crafting, and the list goes on. I always had a problem choosing what project to work on so what often happened was I started one thing and got distracted and stopped. Some days I found myself so numb with overwhelm and would do nothing but scroll facebook or pinterest. Meanwhile the library books suddenly are over due and I was angry I did not have time to read them!!!

Last week I decided to choose one project and find myself an accountability partner. The project I chose to faithfully work on was an afgan I started in March for my sister. I asked a very crafty friend to poke me as I promised to work on it for 15 minutes every day.

Well, let me tell you! I totally underestimated what can be accomplished in a small amount of time. Working consistently is the key to success. Not the amount of time put into a task. The first day of the goal I exceeded 15 minutes and looked at the clock an hour later and was proud of the amount I had completed. There are other days I am just able to give it 15 minutes but I am still further along than I would have been if I had not picked it up at all.

Setting a time limit versus focusing on the finish line has helped me perform other tasks as well.

What I am learning is I must plan my tasks based on my energy cycle. What I mean by this is I have the most energy first thing in the morning so that is when it is easy for me to workout and tackle my house projects. Honestly, if I do not do these things first thing it is pretty certain I will not do them at all.

I no longer procrastinate on my workouts. It took me a while to get disciplined but after lots of prayer and thought I realize that is something I am extremely passionate about. When you have that something that makes you excited to put your feet onto the ground each and every morning it makes the rest of your day flow so much better.    After years of floundering I found my WHY the day I turned 60!!! I want to be fit and happy for as long as possible!

Do you feel stuck with your life? Do you feel overwhelmed and do not know where to begin?

I highly suggest you quietly sit and think of something that makes your heart sore. What are you passionate about? Make an appointment with yourself and commit to YOU the same way you would a friend.    I hate to break a commitment I make to someone else and I am now learning the importance of also keeping my commitments to me!!!!

We all need a goal or dream in our lives to work towards. Staying fit is definitely mine. Seeing the results I am getting has given me so much confidence!

As I am typing I literally am smiling at all the other victories I have accomplished on my to do list.    I had no idea the pride I would feel after constructing something with my own hands whether it be a craft, house project, a letter I wrote, a recipe or even a blog post.    I love lists and I am constantly writing projects I one day want to start, books I want to read, recipes I want to make, movies or shows I want to watch or see. I am learning to take out my calendar and make dates with myself to fit in time for all of them. Especially visits or phone chats with friends.

I come from a generation where everything in the house was in order. My Aunt Hilda had a home that I honestly can tell you was never messy. I think sometimes I strive for perfection like she and spend so much time worrying what others will think if there are dishes in the sink and because of that I was putting off picking up the crochet hook.

NO MORE PROCRASTINATING!

I have snoozed through life for long enough. Every morning I now wake up and begin my daily reading of inspiration and prayer followed by physical movement for at least thirty minutes a day.    I then do the chores, appointments, etc that await me in my day. Some days I can pick up the crochet hook earlier, sometimes it is the end of the day but the blanket is getting bigger and bigger and I am so proud. Every night before bedtime I plan my gym workout and write in my calendar how I hope to spend the next day.

I used to feel I had to choose something I love and eliminate the rest. Well you know what! I refuse to choose! I can do it all if I stop wasting time on the unnecessary and focus on the important things that make my heart happy.    One thing at a time is the key! When I do too many things I am not excelling in anything so I am sure to get the important thing done first. Fitness and health.

It is time for me to love and care for myself and it took a lot of thought and procrastination intervention to get me there.

Is there something you have wanted to do but are procrastinating. What are you waiting for?    Time is ticking for us all.

Get started on your dream. Once you have figured it out get in touch with me. I would love nothing more than be your Procrastinator Intervention accountability buddy. I am blessed I have mine and thank her every day. It is my turn to pay it forward.

You will be so proud once you give yourself a little procrastination intervention. If you think you can you might, if you know you can you WILL!!

YOU CAN!

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Stop Pinning, Start Living

6/19/2019

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It was a warm Spring evening as I sat on what was once my vision board fantasy. That night I reminisced to the days when I lived in my Queens apartment with no backyard and would dream of the day I would have an outdoor porch or balcony. My vision had pictures of wicker furniture, bright colored plants, ferns, pretty colored pillows with matching cushions.

That night my mind began thinking about other boards and pins I had created through the years So many hours of searching interesting crafts, recipes, books, fashion, makeup, decorating.    As I felt the joy of the dream I was sitting on it made me wonder why I left so many fun things waiting to do one day.

I remember thinking how many times I have heard myself say lines such as, "I cant do that", "I wish I could do that", "I don't have time to do that" , "I never could do that!!!!" My life was sounding like a broken record.    I realized that night I must begin re-writing the story. I am not the little girl who shook in front of the classroom afraid in speech class anymore.

I made a decision to stop pinning and doing and the following day I got started. I had my eye on a vision of painted wine bottles decorated in burlap that spelled out the word HOME.    I hoped one day I could find them to put on a table in my entryway. A friend told me I could definitely make them. I am not crafty but I reluctantly tackled the project.    It took me a week and a lot of hot glue burns but to my delight they came out really cute. It may seem like a small accomplishment but it raised my confidence. I realized I was tired of being the scared little girl who continued the safe granny stitch on her crochet hook when there are so many colorful patterns to learn. This project made me feel at home with ME!

Last week Kevin and I were having a nice dinner at Ruth Chris restaurant and it brought back another memory. For years I suffered anxiety which kept me from eating out and having fun.    With tears in my eyes I said to Kevin, "do you remember all those years I wished I could do this! And here I am!!!!    It took work but it proved dreams can come true.

I see many people saving pieces of string, unfinished thoughts and holding onto loose ends to turn into something beautiful one day. I believe now and then life creates tears and the holes that form keep our dreams pinned up inside. My mission as I journey on is to re-weave the strands.

I cannot believe in 11 short days I turn 60!!! Life is passing so fast but that is OK . I am starting to believe that this may be my best age yet. My work of art may not be perfect but every time I come through my front door and see my bottles I smile. I created a vision and I am blessed for I am home and I have incredible love in my life.

You never know what you will learn about yourself when you attempt something new.

I highly recommend it.

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The Tests of Time

5/20/2019

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Her first words were not hello as she entered my examination room during my latest physical but instead, we must find you a cardiologist. It was not the words that upset me but how blunt they were spoken.    I wonder how my doctor would have felt if someone spoke in such a way to her.

Due to my new patient status it took some time to get a cardiologist appointment and even a few more days to get the tests done but it all turned out fine.    Just a scare due to stress and anxiety.

My heart is fine or so I thought.

Three weeks ago our family endured a very hard test as we got the sudden call that my 31 year old niece passed away. I have gone to many funerals through my life but when you attend one of someone so young it makes the tests of time even harder to bare.    She suffered seizure disorder but despite this life challenge the death came on suddenly. We had no time to prepare our hearts and minds.

In the blink of an eye I had to deal with another series of blunt words I did not expect.

Just one month before her passing our family was celebrating the marriage of our son and daughter in law and suddenly we were gathered again but black ensembles replaced our festive formal attire.    The tests of time we now find ourselves facing feels like an uphill battle with occasional joyful moments mixed in.

On New Years day of this year I had visions of the perfect year as the kids wedding was approaching and both my husband and I would be turning 60 and we had many other planned trips and celebrations filling the white boxes of our calendar. I purchased a digital photo frame and titled it my 2019 suitcase of happiness. I began packing it with photographs of my daughter in laws bridal shower, their wedding, my sister's 65th birthday and Easter and suddenly the picture frame's title changed. What was intended to hold memories and events of 2019 suddenly had downloaded glimpses of years gone by. The fast moving digital frame of life had a sudden blunt turn that none of us expected.

I gave this whole nightmare a lot of thought and this along with discussions with family made me aware of a huge lesson.

My nieces death made me stop judging my doctor's bluntness but instead consider she may have been feeling overwhelmed or stressed the day she hurt my heart.    I myself have spoken harsh words when feeling poorly that I now know have hurt others hearts. With the knowledge of the impact bluntness had on me I now make it a daily practice to try to speak gentler. Hurting people hurt others and that is not fair! Instead of hurting each others hearts we need to communicate better. We also never fully know what a person is going through. Love and compassion is what fixes hearts.

The cardiologist had no idea how broken my heart would soon be however her prescription for health stays the same. When feeling low or anxious change your activity is what was told to me. Exercise, get together with friends and loved ones, eat well, listen to music, take a walk, read a book and pursue a hobby.    The true test of time is doing these things when our hearts have damage but it is the most important time to force ourselves.

One thing we all have in common are beating hearts and I now learned how easily they can be broken.

I sadly cannot change sudden loss but I can and will work hard on keeping my heart healthy and expressing loving words to those around me every day that I can. Our younger generation learned the hard knocks of the test of time too early. My prayer is for them to not have to endure this pain again for a very long time.

Two months ago I had no idea I had a broken heart. I will always be saddened by this experience and while my heart will never be totally fixed life has forever changed.    In honor of Megan I am going to close with some advice that I feel a doctor may not say but I know to be true for sure!

Keep taking photographs friends. They are not for today but for one day.

My digital frame's title changed but I am blessed to have so many past memories to add today. Megan's beautiful shining face on my frame gives my heart peace and knowing I have her love embedded on my heart will help me through each test of time I will face the following days, months and even years to come.

The prescription for true healing of the heart is compassion, love and memories.    Do all of these things on a daily basis and you will get through all the tests of times in your life too.

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Mental Pep Talks

2/13/2019

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I will be over in a few minutes were the words I told a friend when she called to come and visit. When asked what the delay was my response; "Im just finishing cleaning up the bathroom" was received with her exclaiming " I wish I loved to clean like you. "

I get the same response when I say anything about working out. "It is wonderful how you love to workout."
I am using this post to set things straight! No, I really hate housework with a passion and really don't LOVE working out.
I am happy I give that illusion but a magician I am not!!!!!

I like the house to be neat and orderly. I like it when I feel I am doing my best to workout my heart and tone my body. Enjoying the outcome versus doing the work are two different things and I give myself a good amount of pep talks every week. I wish I could say there is a magical trick or fairy wand but I cannot. It takes lots of Mental Pep Talks daily!

My husband, sister and I signed up for a 5K race in Atlanta this coming Sunday. My sister and I did it two years ago but this will be my husbands first race. Nine months ago he would not have been able to endure such a goal. He had arthritis in his knees, he was slightly over weight. It took a total mindset and lots of mental pep talks to guide him to a trainer and a good diet with clean supplements and he has lost 33 pounds and is in his best shape ever.

Our minds tend to go to familiar because it is easier than training ourselves to do the hard stuff.

Watching him the past few months has made me work on changing my mental dialogue. Instead of procrastinating while scrolling social media reminding myself how I NEED to workout I now say I WANT to work out and use social media as my treat when done. Balance is the reward of hard work but it all requires lots of mental pep talks.

I am incredibly grateful that Kevin knew it was necessary to shift his mental dialogue to work on getting in shape. We both turn 60 this Summer and it is scary.    I have learned to create a North Star in my mind and inside are all those I love and a list of things I still want to do. On the days when I don't feel like doing the hard stuff I have a nice chat with myself and look up at my star. Knowing they want me around as long as possible makes me WANT to get the hard stuff in every single day.    For me to enjoy spending time with all of you I need to keep up with the clutter on a daily basis. I on a daily basis work on removing the negative mind conversation that keep me stuck in the old behavior and replace them with mental pep talks.

When I spend time with friends or loved ones but have clutter and pain inside me it distracts from the joy.    When I take the time to do the hard stuff first my life feels easier. I challenge you to take a moment to have a mental pep talk with yourself right this second while it is fresh on your mind. Close your eyes and think of all those people you love and the things you have left to do. What hard thing will you do every day to keep that star shining bright?

Every one of us has special things to fill our North Star but clutter makes us forget. It does not require a fairy wand to get there but just a few mental pep talks.

You now know my magic trick of creating an illusion of LOVING the HARD stuff.    It is your turn to be the magician in your life and start creating your North Star.    Every thought in that bright star wants you to succeed.    I encourage you to take the hard steps. I promise distractions will not stop you! You will run a race you never in a million years thought you could and your friends will love how you effortlessly perform all that HARD stuff too.

Let the magic begin!

I

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Gifts of Time

1/16/2019

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The Christmas tree returned for it's yearly visit which meant my favorite chair had to be taken from the sunny window where it lived all year and placed in the corner for the entire month of December. It was that time where the focus was on the six foot guest and it was the job of her twinkling accessories to bring cheer to the room.    The gifts were wrapped and placed under her and the cooking, baking, ginger bread making and visits began. So much activity squeezed into a few short weeks.

All of a sudden the tree began shedding its needles and the room was becoming messy. No more visitors, cookies or music. Time to rearrange the room again.

The holidays have come and gone and I am back in my favorite chair in its sunny spot holding the pile of greeting cards I received. I feel sad thinking that we only hear from many of the people whose hand writing and pictures I now see only once a year.

Why cant we give each other the gift of our time all year long?

I think back on my life and I received many beautiful wrapped gifts for sure but can hardly remember what was inside them anymore. Ask me a memory about my Aunt Hilda however and I can go on for hours.

With her huge smile she welcomed unexpected guests with warmth all year long.    She lived alone but was never lonely for her phone was constantly ringing and when she was not talking she would be writing notes to friends. The cast of the Home Shopping Club were like her family as she listened to it all day long while doing chores in her kitchen. She was always on the lookout for a special deal to share. I cannot tell you how many surprise boxes of dried fruit, nuts and caramel apples were delivered to my door for no reason at all. Those are gifts I do remember and at the time probably did not appreciate but now that I am older I smile.

She refused to rearrange her entire living room to make it merry and bright like I do. She did not have to.    The month of December she placed a table top tree on the cedar chest that lived in front of her window all year long. When you peeked in from outside it looked like it was six feet tall but you were not disappointed upon entering the home because she was the light in the room.    She didn't cram love into a few weeks but gave it all year long.

She passed away three days after Easter Sunday in 2006 but that holiday was the gift of time that was the most precious to me. We did not care about wrapped boxes but enjoyed a day of laughter and fun. She was selfless and despite days of feeling low she was always doing something for someone else. I cannot believe how she even tried her best to make dying easier for us.

Three weeks before she passed away we bought her a dog not knowing the leukemia in her body would take her so soon. Kevin and I inherited that precious dog she named Princess. Princess is now 13 with an inoperable tumor on her left paw and we don't know how fast it will grow. I know our days are getting numbered and each day is another gift of time together.

I don't think I ever truly dealt with saying good-bye to my beautiful Aunt especially since I have this precious dog she left behind. We thought we were giving her a gift but it turned out I received the greatest gift instead. That is the funny thing about a good deed I suppose; it helps you more than the person for which it was intended in so many ways. I try not to think of saying good-bye to Princess yet for I don't want to waste a minute being sad. Like that Easter Sunday we knew it was going to happen but we did not discuss it but enjoyed our time.

I turn 60 this year and realistically know that my days of giving gifts of my time are getting numbered.    I hope I will be given the gift of welcoming another twinkling visitor into my living room next December but maybe it does not have to be six foot but one that will fit into the corner so the chair can stay where it belongs.

Can you imagine being gone 13 years and having someone you loved talk about you as if you were here just yesterday? That certainly is a life well lived and I am incredibly lucky to have witnessed it.

As I reach 60 I am understanding how exhausted life has been rearranging things for the perfect package when it is the celebration that matters. My Aunt showed up every day and celebrated 365 events. I have work to do but I am going to try my best to make days eventful like she did.

One thing I am going to promise is I will be keeping in better touch with all these faces and notes I hold in my hand today. I look forward to chats, writing notes, playing music, cooking, baking and lots of photo taking too. Watch out for you never know if there will be a surprise box outside your door too.

With my chair back by my sunny window I realize I did not have to deal with my Aunt dying because she will forever live inside of me which is probably why I am not sad.    She gave me the greatest present I could ever ask for and that will never go away. The most precious packages definitely are the gifts of time.

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NICER

12/3/2018

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It feels like yesterday my husband Kevin decided at the age of 59 to stop dreaming of photography and started a part-time business. To keep it a family type of business he asked me to be his assistant on photo shoots.

I am not proud to admit this but I have a take charge personality and I like to be the lead horse so suddenly being my husbands ASSISTANT was hard.    I assisted a few shoots but was not liking it at all and was actually becoming angry. I finally sat myself down and asked myself what was going on. After a few weeks I found the answer was I need to be NICER TO ME.

I have gone through a lot of adjusting the last two years. We moved 850 miles from our family and friends and I was getting used to that change when Kevin decided to join a gym and because he trains at 6:00AM he works from home more often. It isn't that I am jealous for I am proud of all that he is accomplishing. His being in "MY OFFICE" was taking me away from the passions I have. I was feeling guilty for my feelings for "MY OFFICE" is his "HOME" and he has a right to be here.

One thing I love about Kevin is he is not a selfish person and truly lives his life to serve others.    His goal is not to be rich and famous but to develop himself into the best person that he can be while enjoying his passion. Once he picked up the camera and saw the views from the lens it opened his eyes to be healthier and he lost 33 pounds!

I am learning to see our real business is our life together and if he isn't here I will be the lead horse every day all by myself.

I began to stop screaming my frustrations at Kevin and instead explain my feelings and in turn listen to his.

What I learned during our chat was I created this block in my head that said women who work from home need to have the cleanest house, with hot meals planned and the closets neat and tidy. Because of this "stigma" I was stressed for I felt I wasn't keeping up. With an exploding mind Kevin would "stroll in" checking off his goals and proudly shout out another "booking" and I was resentful because I was not happy with me. I was stressed and reacted with my auto-pilot lead horse answer of "ANOTHER THING FOR ME TO DO, ARE YOU KIDDING??? "as I threatened to smash his camera.

He quietly listened and explained I did not have to be perfect and that we were a team. In his busy world he does not always notice what I need but if I calmly explain my frustrations he will help. I always felt he should know what I need help with but once I realize it is OK to just tell him things changed.

A saint I am not for I am still a work in progress and I remind myself of my goals every day.    I am the only one putting my dreams on hold because of feeling I must be perfect.    My ego is what is blocking my dreams not Kevin accomplishing his.    I slowly am learning to not worry about what anyone thinks, to communicate better, not worry about being in charge, but most important I am working on kicking the word perfect out of my vocabulary.

We have another photo shoot this afternoon and today my role will once again be assistant. I smile as my "boss" just walked into the room with a huge good morning handing me a hot cup of coffee. It was just at the time I was typing this last paragraph for he gave me some space to write.

What a beautiful reminder that it does not matter who is in charge and having to be the lead horse was causing me a lot of stress. Our real family business is US and our HOME and treating each other with respect every day. Running a business takes lots of work and effort by everyone on the team. Now that we both erased the word perfection, talked things out and are respecting each others passions we both are happier but best of all our days are so MUCH NICER!

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New Generation

10/17/2018

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I placed my eye glasses on the side of the sink and started my morning routine with a splash of warm water on my face and as I lifted my head to the mirror I saw the reflection of my Mother through the fogged glass of my son's bathroom mirror.

I arrived in New York City five days ago to visit him and my soon to be daughter In law and I now sit with my toast and orange juice at their kitchen table as they both are still asleep. I must admit, it feels a little scary for this was my Mother's routine after she moved in with us. Mom had five years of mornings like this and I suddenly can see the view from her lens.

How lonely she must have been to leave her home, life and friends!

Mom was very comfortable as am I. The kids allow me the freedom to make myself at home every time I visit. I actually am typing this on my son's laptop and I honestly turned it on knowing it would not be an issue. As I sit listening to the hum of the refrigerator I am grateful to be loved but the reality is I'm not home and now can feel how my Mom felt watching me live my life while hers was ending.

I would often come into the kitchen and see my Mother who tried to cheerily say Good Morning but her face told another story and it frustrated me. We would take her out on errands with us, take her to dinner, allow her to do anything she pleased in the home and she was genuinely grateful. But she was sad.

I always felt my generation was completely different than my parents. I often look at my wedding album and think my Mom looked much older in her mother of the bride dress than I will in my Mother of the groom. I thought I was more modern than she until I saw of glimpse of her story and wonder if history will repeat itself as I breakfast at my son's kitchen table.

I often question if I should have thought about assisted living for my Mom. My heart told me I wanted to be the one to care for her but maybe she would have been happier in a different setting. I know friendships are key to living a happy life. Would she have ended her last chapter happier?

There is no point looking through the rearview mirror of the decisions that have been made and the chapter of life that is over. I have no control as I type this to say if history will repeat itself as my story continues. I do know for sure that Mom cherished the love around her bed as her story was ending and that gives me peace.

Through my experience of blending the old generation with the new I learned we all need people to talk, laugh and confide that are our age. Every morning after breakfast I heard my Mother whispering to her good friend Sophie on her jitterbug cell phone "Oh Sophie, this generation is so different than we were aren't they?" I only imagine how many "calls" she would have made if she could text.

Life is a classroom my friends. When we stop learning we stop living. I believe staying social is very important for it kept Mom a little happier on her last chapter. I now know more than ever that I am going to try my best to be the energizer bunny my Mother was until the day she became weak.

I hear the sound of an alarm from inside the closed bedroom door which means the day is beginning. I have to say good-bye to all of you my "Sophies" . I thank you for reading this and it was wonderful chatting with all of you this morning. It is time for me to wipe the glass of my Mom's image away from the mirror and use it to smile at the happiness I feel standing in my son's bathroom.

As my image returns I know in my heart what truly matters. Yes, they may do things differently Sophie but I know for sure that history repeats for I feel incredibly loved by this New Generation.

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